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Album of the Year #20: Lil B - The Hunchback of BasedGod
(Note: This review exceeds Reddit’s 40,000 character limit for text posts so three additional comments are posted in this thread with the rest of the review. Sorting comments by “old” will bring them up for you in order.)
EPISODE I: THE HUNCHED BACK MENACE
Welcome to Old BasedWorld Hurried crowds, sparse synths and ringing cathedral bells in the streets of Old BasedWorld set the scene for our journey. High above the town in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, a young man with a hunched back dreams of a brighter tomorrow.
Staring Out My Window “The only way you could really feel this pain is from the BasedGod” – From this opening line along with the somber instrumental accompanying it Lil B makes it clear that this project will be different from the hyphy material he’d been releasing since Black Ken. The BasedGod’s stirring musical backdrop allows Brandon to reminisce on the times he spent as a troubled youth staring out the windows of Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral (as pictured on the album cover), dreaming of a normal life with the rest of the citizens across the bridge in San Francisco New BasedWorld.
The Many Sides of a Genius Using a compilation of voicemails taken directly from Old BasedWorld’s only working phone, Lil B uses these messages to convey his own message. The people leaving these voicemails were clearly important people in Brandon’s life and, one could say, are some of the “sides of genius” that helped him develop into the man he is today. It continues the album’s narrative of a brilliant soul whose talent and ambition are unnoticed by the outside world, with only those who are closest to him recognizing the genius within.
Ain’t Gon Pick Up One of the people leaving a voicemail on “The Many Sides of a Genius” mentioned how Lil B never picks up his phone, so it’s only appropriate that the next song has B discussing why he chooses not to answer the phone in Old BasedWorld’s Cathedral. It also ties back in to the theme of unrecognized talent, with Brandon stating in the chorus “I ain’t gon pick up, nobody gives a fuck so I don’t give a fuck”. References to stomach pains and Crohn’s disease further highlight how B is feeling “sick to [his] stomach” of being disrespected: by the end of the song, the listener fully understands why Lil B wouldn’t be interested in picking up his phone.
Hunchback of BasedGod One of the album’s great conceptual triumphs. Lil B states from the jump that this song is meant to be a set of instructions for the Hunchback of BasedGod for his eventual descent from his perch back into the town of Old BasedWorld and beyond. It’s still unclear whether or not Lil B himself is the Hunchback, the BasedGod, the Hunchback of BasedGod, or none of the above: the abstractness allows the listener to form their own perceptions and create their own story. Again, there’s a continuation of themes from the previous songs, with further references to stomach pains and issues of self-worth and meaninglessness coming from Lil B: with so much pain in this world, is it even worth it for the Hunchback to enter society? By the end of the song, Brandon affirms that it is, stating, “Do it and don’t just watch/ Step in the game and have fun/ We all townspeople, we one/”. As such, the Hunchback leaves the cathedral, passing through the cobblestone streets of Old BasedWorld while hushed onlookers stare silently, as he ventures out towards New BasedWorld.
Berkeley San Francisco Its the BasedGod This song is delivered from the perspective of the Hunchback, as revealed in the first line of the first verse: “I got the hunched back from all the depression”. Themes of struggle from the previous tracks reemerge, but you get the sense that the Hunchback is beginning to build up his self-esteem, boasting how he refuses to conform to the looks and expectations of the other townsfolk. He also seems to have gotten past the lack of recognition that was hindering him on “The Many Sides of a Genius” and “Ain’t Gon Pick Up”, as he proudly exclaims, “Who cares if I’m famous?” This gives the Hunchback the confidence to finally travel across the bridge he so often observed from his cathedral window. The townspeople are stunned: the Golden Gate BasedWorld Bridge had been badly damaged and decayed for decades, with no one daring to cross in the fears that it would collapse. But the Hunchback’s persistence leads him to make it across unscathed.
Outer Mission Music With his feet firmly set in New BasedWorld, the Hunchback visits the colony of Outer Mission, a tight-knit community of New BasedWorld inhabitants who are unsure of how to react to their visitor. Lil B spends much of this track describing his interactions with the colony’s locals, which include Justin Timberlake, Alex Rodriguez, and Lionel Messi as tribe members. He also manages to make the situation surrounding the identities of his disparate personalities even more confusing, stating, “Lil B, I’ve seen him in public/ Is that the Hunchback of BasedGod, or is that the BasedGod? It’s BasedGod/” Will we ever know the difference?
Wake Up Get High Go Back to Sleep In spite of a renewed sense of confidence brought upon by his decision to leave his old life behind, not all is perfect in the Hunchback’s mind. On this joint (pun intended) he harkens back to his days in the cathedral, where he would spend his mornings smoking heavy doses of marijuana in order to numb the pain of his seclusion, often to the point of losing consciousness. It’s also worth noting that the only weed that grows naturally in Old BasedWorld is mids, so the Hunchback would need to smoke a significant amount to achieve the desired effect.
Video Game That I Still Play The irony in the title of this song is that the “video game” the BasedGod is referencing here is in fact a metaphor for his own life’s journey. As he so aptly states during the chorus: “My life is like a video game/ It’s been so weird, but I still play”. The fact of the matter is, Lil B could have chosen to rage quit this game of life long ago, but his perseverance has brought him to a new place of inner peace within the confines of New BasedWorld, even if the townsfolk are still unsure of how to respond to their new neighbor.
I Rather Die Then Go Home At the end of the previous song, the Hunchback makes reference to an incident where he visited the Café Au Coquelet, a boutique restaurant in New BasedWorld. Upon his arrival, he received a similar reaction to those he used to receive in his homeland: “I go to restaurants, people stop smiling”. While some of the townspeople have begun to appreciate his presence, many of the other New BasedWorld residents still recognize his outsider status and continue to shun him as a result. This song is B’s response, with a firm affirmation that he would rather die than have to go back to the life of isolation he led in the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, where he wasn’t really living life to begin with. That said, the song’s mistitling of based comrade The-Dream’s original line of “I’d rather die than go home” as “I rather die then go home” leaves the Hunchback’s true intentions up for interpretation.
Crying in the Club After finishing a five-course meal at the boutique, B ventures out to the party district of New BasedWorld, where he surprisingly gets admitted to one of the most exclusive night clubs in the land. As he observes the scene, the crushing reality of the differences between himself and the other clubgoers becomes apparent. A single tear is shed, followed by another, and another, until the BasedGod is in a state of full-blown emotional distress. In spite of his condition, he makes it known that he isn’t ashamed of wearing his heart on his sleeve, openly admitting in the chorus: “I don’t really care if I hurt myself, I don’t really care who sees”. This unyielding display of raw emotion brings the music and dancing to a halt. All eyes are now fixated on the strange being with the tear-stained T-shirt and the disfigured spine. He lets out a desperate plea: “I just want a hug…” To the surprise of the Hunchback, the residents of New BasedWorld collectively embrace him, looking past his outer deformities to recognize the beautiful soul that exists within. Historians would later acknowledge this moment as the primary catalyst for the BasedWorld Revolution™.
EPISODE II: THE COLD WARS
Voyage to Berkeley California Meanwhile, down in the town of Old BasedWorld, the townsfolk slept restlessly, their dreams invaded by shadowy fake based figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Why was the Hunchback not ringing the bells that had kept the evil spirits of the fake based realm out of their lives? It was then they realized that the Hunchback had crossed the sacred bridge and ventured to New BasedWorld. Frantic to reconcile with the gatekeeper they had long taken for granted, a group of the townspeople decide to bravely seek out the BasedGod in the hopes that he will return. However, they recognize that crossing the BasedWorld Bridge is something no mortal man is capable of doing and living to tell the tale. Using a secret map rumored to have been drawn up by Captain 66 himself, a group of citizens board a modest ship to cross the San Francisco BasedWorld Bay on a warm summer’s eve. Will they survive? Only time will tell.
Across the Sea And here, ladies and gentlemen, we are presented with the greatest plot twist this side of the Fingerpoke of Doom: It turns out Lil B is not actually the Hunchback and/or the BasedGod after all.
Indeed, unbeknownst to the townspeople (who themselves had just assumed all three entities were combined as one person), Lil B has remained in BasedWorld all along in disguise. About halfway into their journey across the Bay, Lil B’s resentment towards his shipmates and their longing for the Hunchback’s return gets the best of him, and the violent persona exhibited on tracks like “Murder Rate” and “Domestic Violence Case” overtakes Lil B’s natural pacifist tendencies. In a fit of rage, he attacks them, “knocking them off the boat” into the shark-infested waters and keeping all of the remaining LifeVests to himself. B himself recognizes the consequences of his actions, ending the song by saying, “This darkness… It’s scary.” Nonetheless, he refuses to be stopped in his mission to visit New BasedWorld and confront the Hunchback all on his own.
Where Is the Potion Having arrived on the shores of New BasedWorld, Lil B ventures into town. Knowing that the only way to find the elusive Hunchback is through the townspeople who may have caught a glimpse of him, he travels to the aforementioned nightclub, with floors still drenched in the BasedGod’s tears from earlier, asking, “Where is the potion?” The response he’s given comes in the form of several bottles of liquor, which quickly dispel any notions of anxiety or self-doubt that may have stopped Lil B from completing his mission. A few of the club’s premium members willingly show him the spots around town where they had spotted the Hunchback, but any further clues of his whereabouts are hard to come by. Before they know it, they find themselves at one of the many riverbanks in New BasedWorld, where a celebration of the BasedGod’s glory is in full swing.
Riverdance This instrumental is what Lil B and the clubgoers heard as they made their way to the bank of the river. Speaking with more of the natives, Lil B learns more of the Hunchback’s travels and experiences in New BasedWorld and begins to put the pieces together in his mind for where the BasedGod may be headed next.
Wolves and Snakes As Lil B continues to plot his course, the BasedGod, who has just finished eating a salad on his way to the colony of Chaddick, senses a disturbance in the Based Force, feeling as though him and his hunched back may be in grave danger. He ponders on the wolves and the snakes that he was forced to deal with in his past life and reflects on the growth he’s experienced since leaving the dreaded, darkened halls of the Cathedral. In spite of this, he can’t help but shake the feeling that, like in the proverbial rear-view mirror, one of these wolves and/or snakes may be closer than they appear…
Meeting on UC Berkeley Campus Today Undeterred, the Hunchback makes his way to UC Berkeley, New BasedWorld’s sole institution of higher learning. After giving a spirited 90 minute lecture on the power of positivity (modeled after previous lectures at such high class institutions as NYU,Carnegie Mellon and Princeton), the BasedGod is greeted by a mass of adoring students at the university. The male students beg for the BasedGod to fuck their bitches, and said bitches are more than willing to oblige. In a grand spectacle, the Hunchback has consensual sex with all 1,000 of the college’s female attendees while this instrumental blares out of speakers across the campus, being awarded with a trophy as a result of his success.
Artistic or Autistic Elsewhere in New BasedWorld, Lil B attempts to strategize his next move. However, planning the escapade is made difficult thanks to B’s second most potent Internet distraction after his Twitter feed: Reddit. Going through a series of faked based comments on the hiphopheads subreddit, Lil B is particularly struck by a comment suggesting that he may in fact be suffering from the neurological disorder autism. The assertion is an eye-opening moment for him: after all, the elevated levels of lead found in Old BasedWorld’s drinking water had been a concern amongst the town’s scientists for years, and his own behaviors and thought patterns seemed to align relatively well with the common symptoms of the condition. After a brief moment of solemnity, Lil B realizes that his immaculate catalog of music has been made possible because of who he is, and if he is autistic, it is an essential component of his artistic output. This song is the result of this revelation.
Free 03 Our story continues as the BasedGod chooses to use his newfound fame and glory to give back to the New BasedWorld community. He begins volunteering at the New BasedWorld Penitentiary, espousing his worldview and giving advice to the inmates on how to make positive contributions to society after they have served their time. One particular inmate catches his eye: a fellow hip hop artist named 03 Greedo, who was arrested a few years earlier in a drug trafficking scheme. The Hunchback’s conversations with the young man have a profound impact on him, and in the weeks and months to come, Greedo becomes the model prisoner for other inmates to aspire to be, with intentions of joining the ministry upon his release. The BasedGod, proud of what he was able to accomplish, promises to dedicate a song on his new 50 song mixtape to Greedo.
Rhode Island Rhode Island, officially the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, is a state in the New England region of the northeastern United States. It is the smallest U.S. state by area, the seventh least populous, but is also the second most densely populated. Rhode Island is bordered by Connecticut to the west, Massachusetts to the north and east, and the Atlantic Ocean to the south via Rhode Island Sound and Block Island Sound. It also shares a small maritime border with New York. Providence is the state capital and most populous city in Rhode Island.
As Rhode Island is located on the opposite side of the continent from Old and New BasedWorld, it has nothing to do with this story other than this brief mention of its existence.
I’m Depressed Again While the Hunchback is continuing to make great strides in improving the lives of the people in New BasedWorld, he continues to be fazed by an ever-growing sense of something troubling being on the horizon. A dark evil is emerging that he cannot foresee, and he worries that by the time he learns what this evil may be, it will be too late. This sends the BasedGod back into a spiraling depression, one not felt since the last day he had spent alone in the cathedral. He warns his closest confidants of the impending doom, saying, “Real talk… Feel it through your heart. Feel it through the spirit. You can feel it through the dark, cold as ever.”
Café Au Coquelet At the same time as the Hunchback is experiencing this sense of dread, Lil B has made his way to Café Au Coquelet, one of the first spots in New BasedWorld that was graced by the power and the glory of the BasedGod. Lil B immediately detects the Hunchback’s prior presence in the vicinity: all of the restaurant’s guests are acting unusually positive and based towards one another, and the only dish that anyone has ordered over the past week has been the clams casino. Lil B also recognizes that the music playing in the background of the restaurant (the instrumental that is this song) was created by the BasedGod. Enraged, he stands up on the restaurant tables and begins to lambast the townsfolk for having fallen for the lies and deceit of a false prophet. He dictates a new philosophy, beginning by disposing of the food everybody has already ordered and teaching them how to cook for themselves. Before long, the entire restaurant is cooking to “Like a Martian”. A growing sect of New BasedWorld begins to emerge in objection to the Hunchback’s teachings, with Lil B and the swag movement as their new leader.
Downtown Berkeley Protest Back in the colony of Berkeley, the BasedGod is gathering his followers together for a celebration of optimism and goodwill unto others. His new instrumental track plays as the Hunchback’s followers enjoy the festivities. It is at this moment that the BasedGod feels a searing pain encompass his entire being, and he recognizes that this is the moment he has been fearing for the past few weeks: the evil has arrived. A mass of residents from the other New BasedWorld colonies have descended upon the party with torches and handguns. Dressed in pink shirts, tiny pants and Vans sneakers, they march to the center of the crowd in unison, yelling nonsensical phrases such as “Figaro!” and “Martha Stewart!” as the frightened followers of the Hunchback look on. At the front of the mob is the leader, the enigmatic Lil B. He flashes a slight smile at the BasedGod, who stares directly back into the eyes of his former student. As the crowd of pretty residents begin to hurl insults and grievances towards the based residents, Lil B raises one hand, and the noise stops. Then, he begins to walk away. B’s worshipers follow him out of the city square in silent unison. Many of the Hunchback’s flock wonder if this is the end of the madness. However, the BasedGod knows deep down inside that this is just the beginning.
EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE BITCH
Bring the BasedGod and Lil B Gifts This is a Cold War, and we know what each side is fighting for. The New BasedWorld citizens have been divided into an even split, with half of the townsfolk (now calling themselves the “Task Force”) following the ways of the Hunchback and the other half (now calling themselves the “Bitch Mob”) committing themselves to the teachings of Lil B. In a frantic attempt to prove the superiority of one leader over the other, the townspeople begin to bestow luxurious gifts and rewards upon their idols in an attempt to make one appear more grandiose than the other. Lil B relishes in his newfound fame, gladly accepting a plethora of PlayStation 2 and Xbox 360 games from his fans, along with a fully registered copy of FL Studio to allow him to produce beats on the same level as the BasedGod. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, the Hunchback seems uncomfortable embracing his new role as a worshipped deity. Having become accustomed to people ignoring him or being flat-out disgusted by his appearance, the adjustment to now becoming the leader of thousands of men is one that is not made easily.
Body Shaming The opposing sides of New BasedWorld’s population quickly transition from honoring their respective leaders to creating smear campaigns against the opposition. One of the Bitch Mob’s most talented computer hackers manages to secure nude photographs of the Hunchback and distribute them online, highlighting the embarrassing weight gain that the BasedGod has endured over the past 5 years. The Hunchback is at first distraught upon hearing the news: “Why are they body shaming me? Why would they say all these mean things?” It is only when the BasedGod taps into his creamy center, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits that allows him to be the nicest, most compassionate person he’s ever been, that he’s able to let the world know that he will not fall down so easy. He releases this song on his MySpace as a rebuttal, saying, “There's no reason to bully people and make fun of folks”. The Task Force immediately lauds the song as the perfect response to the scandal, while the Bitch Mob lashes out at the lack of trap drums and celebrity-based adlibs.
Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap “So self-conscious, you feel me?”: Despite the approval of his comrades, the BasedGod is unable to shake the ever-persistent sense of self-hatred that is being exacerbated by the actions of the Bitch Mob. He feels his mind regressing to a prior state of fear and insecurity akin to that of his days spent in isolation in the Cathedral. Deep inside, the Hunchback finds himself in the midst of an existential crisis: how can one speak on the benefits of positivity and self-love when one does not truly love thyself? What would the consequences be of allowing this negativity to manifest itself in real time? Surely, an admission of hopelessness would spell defeat for the Task Force, allowing Lil B and his army of pretty townsfolk to rule the land for all eternity. But it would also be hypocritical for the BasedGod to continue to preach the Gospel of Based when his mind is not in a based state of being. In a move that would prove to be one of the most shocking of the Cold War, the Hunchback gathers his followers in the town square to announce that he will be taking an oath of silence until peace can be found between the two factions of New BasedWorld, capping off his decree with the debut of his ‘final’ song, “Stopped Talkin’ But I Still Rap”. The crowd gasps and devolves into hysteria, with thousands pleading for the Hunchback to reconsider, rightly worried over what would become of the based movement without the voice of its sole originator. But the BasedGod is persistent. He silently walks through the crowd, hugging each of his based brethren (and consensually face-fucking some of the females) before departing, possibly for good. Some time after midnight, he successfully crosses the Based Bridge and returns to Old BasedWorld, making his way back to the Cathedral without a single soul noticing his presence. He travels to the deepest, darkest depths of the Cathedral’s caverns, located miles beneath the Earth’s surface, where he begins an indefinite period of contemplation and meditation. This sequence of events would prove to be a milestone of the BasedWorld Revolution™, and would be forever immortalized in the cover art for the Where Did the Sun Go? mixtape.
Intermission It was a bad time for both Old and New BasedWorld. The Hunchback just stayed inside his Cathedral and he never came out. People said his brain was infected by fake based devils. The Task Force hurt the most of all: without their leader, they crumbled and succumbed to the will of the Bitch Mob. Lil B’s tyrannical rise to power was all but complete. In the months that followed, he would expand his territorial control, conquering the villages of Albany and East Oakland and even sending troops to claim regions of land as far away as Hawaii and Nepal.
Nearly a full year after the disappearance of the BasedGod, Lil B’s armies waged war on Old BasedWorld. The BasedWorld Bridge was destroyed, leaving Lil B and his followers (who controlled the naval fleets) as the only ones who had access to both sides of the territory. After taking most of its citizens hostage and establishing a new structure of government with Lil B at the helm, the Bitch Mob began to formulate its Ultimate Bitch Plan to capture the Hunchback. One night, they rushed the Old BasedWorld Cathedral, setting it ablaze and burning the once-iconic structure to the ground in the hopes of finding the charred body of the BasedGod buried underneath the rubble. When they failed to retrieve the body, the contingent of pretty boys and girls was ordered by Lil B to venture underground, as an ancient prophecy had foretold the Hunchback’s journey to the center of the Earth. Armed with assault rifles of all varieties, they began their descent into the depths of the caverns.
However, the deeper they traveled, the more they became disillusioned by their actions, and the actions of their once-beloved leader Lil B. They did not realize that the closer they got to the Hunchback, the more they were swayed by his righteousness and his way of being. Soon, they were no more than a few hundred yards from locating the BasedGod. It was at this moment that they had a great awakening, recognizing the error of their ways and freeing themselves from the spell that had been placed on them by Lil B. They abandoned their mission, instead choosing to return to the surface without the Hunchback. Lil B, furious at the group’s reluctance to complete their task, began to chastise his former followers, and prepared to issue one of his infamous curses upon them, one which would result in certain death. Having become completely overwhelmed with the guilt and the shame of their exploits as part of Lil B’s army (and also acknowledging the fact that none of them would ever win an NBA championship now without signing to Golden State), they instead turned the guns Lil B had given to them on themselves, committing mass suicide on top of the remains of the Old BasedWorld Cathedral. Thousands of Old BasedWorld onlookers stared in paralyzing shock as the sound of hundreds of guns discharged at once. What followed was several hours of silence, as Lil B, covered in the blood of his former troops, coldly stared at the mass of dead bodies, trying his best to process what had just taken place.
EPISODE IV: A NEW HO(PE)
The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night Meanwhile, on the other side of the Bay, most of the former Task Force members still remaining in New BasedWorld have all but accepted their fates, purchasing clothing that is too tight for them to wear comfortably and listening to the government-approved “Cooking Music” playlist on a constant loop. A small contingent of Hunchback loyalists remain, holding private meetings in the basement of the Café Au Coquelet and listening to the “Based Music” playlist in shrouded secrecy. Upon learning that Lil B and a commission of his troops had left to invade Old BasedWorld, the few remaining Task Force members felt it was safe enough to worship the Hunchback out in the open one last time. As most of the Bitch Mob members who had crossed the BasedWorld Bay with Lil B had come from the village of West Berkeley, the BasedGod’s loyal comrades choose the village’s Waterfront area as the gathering place for the ceremony. Unbeknownst to any of the group’s members, the mass suicides in Old BasedWorld were taking place at the exact same time as the celebration in New BasedWorld was commencing. The Task Force members rejoice, harmoniously singing the BasedGod’s favorite songs of worship: “B.O.R. (Birth of Rap)”, “The Age of Information” and “No Black Person Is Ugly” are belted out towards the heavens. Suddenly, the youngest of the Task Force’s members (who goes by the name of u/insabnma) feels a twinge underneath his bare feet. He looks down at the ground and notices that he has stepped on a golden USB drive, encrusted with diamonds and embroidered with the word “BASED” in all caps. The curious group of based boys and girls procure a laptop and, upon plugging the drive in, are amazed to find a .zip folder of 13 unreleased instrumentals credited as being produced by the BasedGod. Even more amazingly, the first song is entitled “The Waterfront West Berkeley at Night”: the exact place and time of day that they are performing their ritual. The Task Force members ecstatically listen to the new music, with several being driven to the point of involuntary orgasm. Throughout the night, word spreads throughout New BasedWorld of the drive’s existence, and suddenly, the followers of the Hunchback have a renewed sense of hope.
Games of Berkeley and Magic Cards The next evening, thousands of Task Force members, old and new, join together in the town square of Berkeley, the last place that the Hunchback was seen alive. A Task Force party has commenced, with various games being played and the Based Music playlist blasting from the colony’s speakers. As it is nearing midnight, the townspeople are each given a magic life card, rumored to be the same life cards that were discussed in the BasedGod’s legendary philosophical diatribe [“Life on Earth”](). At the stroke of 12, the second of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played, as the crowd enthusiastically chants “Thank You BasedGod” along to the beat. The expectation is that the Hunchback will hear their prayer and reemerge by the end of the song. However, this was not to be the case: the instrumental ends, with the BasedGod nowhere to be found. For a moment, the Task Force is disheartened, wondering if the signs pointing to a return of the Hunchback were too good to be true. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a shooting star flies across the Berkeley sky, the brightest and most brilliant star that anyone in the colony has ever seen. It continues to arc across the northwestern skyline and appears to land in the village of Albany, a formerly based territory which has been overrun with members of the Bitch Mob. The Task Force is again filled with a renewed sense of hope at this discovery, as they courageously follow the signs that could lead them to the Hunchback’s holy ascension.
Walking Through Albany California Upon arriving in Albany, the Task Force members notice a contingent of Bitch Mob members huddled around a large crater, approximately one mile in diameter. Evidently, this is where the shooting star had landed. One of the senior members of the tribe is examining the star, which, contrary to its once large and brilliant appearance, has been reduced to the size of a small rock. Several Bitch Mob members now make their way into the crater to examine the fallen star. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the once-dead star explodes into thousands of pieces, each piece shooting out towards the heads of a Bitch Mob member (though some less fortunate members wind up getting hit in the balls). When the star touches each member, it instantly uploads the third of the BasedGod’s secret instrumentals directly into their cerebral cortex. The Bitch Mob members are at first displeased at the lack of poorly mixed 808s and rattling hi-hats, but soon after, they begin to comprehend and enjoy the BasedGod’s alternative production style. Once the song has finished, they have all been converted into full-fledged comrades of the Task Force. The Berkeley delegation of Task Force welcomes their new brothers and sisters into the fold, and the group marches on to spread the word of the Hunchback’s return to the other villages.
The Sound of Being Bullied While this is all occurring in the BasedWorld territories, something else entirely is beginning to unfold in the far away kingdom of Detroit, Michigan. Teejay Witherspoon, the Bitch Mob’s certified rarest hacker, leans back in his chair and slyly grins. His successful exploitation of the BasedGod a year ago has proven to be a major turning point in the young man’s life. His notoriety has allowed him to start a rap career of his own, with several music videos on YouTube having gone viral throughout the past 12 months. His loyalty to the Bitch Mob has been unquestioned, and he has since been promoted to a senior position within the fold. As he clicks his way through a darkweb laundering scheme one evening, he leaves to take a shit and, upon returning to his computer, notices that a mysterious golden USB drive has been plugged into the laptop. Only one file exists on the drive: an audio file entitled “The Sound of Being Bullied.flac”. Teejay curiously loads the file into VLC, and the instant the song begins, he is assaulted with a rush of crushing despair and depression. The title of the song spoke for itself. Teejay is experiencing the totality of the Hunchback’s negative emotions that had been fueled by his prior actions, but even more intensely, and as the emotions begin to amplify, he next notices that his physical being is being affected as well. His body is shaking uncontrollably, his skin is beginning to peel, his eyes are popping out of his skull. After four minutes and seven seconds of agonizing torture, his entire being bursts into flames, unable to handle the power of the BasedGod’s wrath. The song ends.
No Longer Afraid of the Dark It’s dark. The air is still. The ground is hot. Water drips from the ceiling. The Hunchback, in a deep state of reflection, hasn’t moved a muscle for over 12 months. His shriveled body has been starved of nourishment and exercise, but fortunately, his weight gain has had the positive effect of having enough fat stored to keep him alive. The amount of based energy needed to have maintained this state of being has aged the BasedGod considerably. He has been devoid of almost any sense of perception for at least a few months. A faint glow radiates from his being. He has concentrated his powers to what was thought to be an unattainable degree of positivity. Before his extended withdrawal from society, the negative side of the force was something that the Hunchback struggled to put out of mind. At the level of based he now encompasses, the light of positivity is too grand for the BasedGod to fail. He is no longer afraid of the dark. And that’s because the dark no longer exists. The cavern has been filled with his based radiance. And the Hunchback is almost ready to return and spread this radiance throughout the land.
Nepal Wants the BasedGod All across BasedWorld, shooting star sightings have been abound, and thousands upon thousands of Bitch Mob members have been converted to Task Force faithful. Even beyond the traditional confines of BasedWorld, rare star sightings have also been seen in the Bitch Mob’s disparate properties. A star lands in the Bitch Mob’s Nepalian expansion territory. After having its people cleansed with the power of the BasedGod’s sixth secret instrumental track, Nepal adopts a new constitution which entails all of its citizens to embrace the Hunchback’s teachings of optimism and self-love.
Taxi Around Town The streets of Old BasedWorld have been in dire need of repair ever since the Bitch Mob ransacked the colony, but that doesn’t stop Travis, one of the land’s only remaining horse-drawn taxi drivers, from making a buck. One evening, he picks up a mysterious hooded figure in one of the town’s more dangerous districts. The man enters the carriage, greeting the driver with two words: “Hello, Travis.” The driver says nothing. The horses begin their trek through the streets, passing by a row of burning buildings. Travis breaks his silence. “It’s lit,” he says. “The buildings, that is. There’s only a few Bitch Mob members left at this point but they always blow these things up.” The figure feels more comfortable speaking to the driver: “I hear you got the nomination”. It dawns on Travis that this person must be almost exactly one year behind the times: has he ever even heard of Cardi B? Regardless, he plays along. “Straight up. Won’t be long now.” The figure smiles, quipping, “Well, I hope you win.” He then proceeds to remove his hood. Travis looks back and momentarily gasps. His composure returns soon thereafter. Unsure of how to proceed, he attempts to continue the conversation. “I… I read about you in the papers… How are you?” Knowing he’s referring to the suicides, the figure replies, “Oh, it’s nothing new, I got over that.” They sit in silence for the remainder of the ride. Soon, the horses come upon their destination, the edge of the BasedWorld Bay. The figure gets out of the car. Turning to Travis, he asks, “How much was it?” Travis is nearly speechless. He lets out one final Auto-Tuned “So long………..LA FLAME!” and the horses gallop off.
Berkeley California Before Lil B A massive cleaning project has commenced throughout Berkeley. The townspeople have nearly all been converted to followers of the BasedGod by this point, and in a unanimous vote, the colony’s leaders choose to rid Berkeley of any and all trace of Lil B and his formerly effective propaganda. Murals are whitewashed, statues are torn down, and portraits are removed from public spaces as the eighth of the BasedGod’s 13 secret instrumentals is played on a loop. The many books proclaiming Lil B’s omnipotence are collectively burned to ash in the town square. Even saying the name “Lil B” is punishable by fine of up to $30,000, equivalent to the amount of money Lil B had charged for features (in contrast to the Hunchback’s extremely generous $0.01 minimum fee for a verse). The townspeople are once again a tight-knit unit of based human beings living their best lives. It was just like Berkeley California before Lil B.
Two months. Two months of busting my ass. Two months of not getting paid. Two months of commuting. Two months of shooting for the moon. Not a star in sight. I was tired. Barely getting any sleep. The life of an unpaid intern. This time last year I had money. The world was my oyster. Now what? I didn't plan for this. I want this job. I think. There's no guarantee. My hard work could be for nothing. That's why I'm writing. Yes. My side hustle. My side hustle that makes no money. I enjoy it though. I like covering stories. Events. News. I feel like a real journalist. Right in the trenches. I haven't covered a decent story in weeks. Horrible writers block. I can feel it slipping. The internship. The drive. The motivation. I want to give up. Throw in the towel. Nice run. This weekend is St. Patricks day though. A glimmer of hope. There's a parade in Atlantic City. I want to cover it. I have an idea. A story. Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe I can turn a trick. Stay afloat. Maybe I won't sink. This ship has no lifeboats. I have to make this work. I have to pull a rabbit out of a hat. The parade is a big deal. It only happens once a year. There's always a huge turnout. It takes place on the boardwalk. People as far as the eye can see. Everyone enjoying themselves. Even the few, or many, who have too much to drink before getting there. The idea is simple. Here's a parade. Outside. All sorts of people having fun. Just a few feet away, blocked by a wall, exists the local casino goers. They aren't attending. They sit glued to their chairs. Slipping one more quarter into the slot machine; one last desperate attempt to win. Ignoring the rapturous all-inclusive enjoyment on the other side of that wall. There are no windows. No clocks. Inside you belong to them. All they have to do is walk outside. Yet they sit bound to those chairs. They are the property of the casino. Paid for by their desperation. The regulars. That was my idea. This was my story. Along with my perspective of the parade. All I needed were a few interviews. Maybe a picture or two. Then all I had to do was write it up. I was excited. I still had half of my work day left. We were running an ELISA in our lab. An assay we used to measure specific proteins in our patients blood samples. We had been doing this for weeks. It was a tedious process. We had to be very careful. I usually took some Valium so my hands wouldn't shake. Today was one of those days. During my break I went to the courtyard. I had fashioned a bong out of some lab equipment. I forgot to clean one of the instruments, so I was praying whatever was in there wasn't flammable. It was not. While I was smoking David called me. He asked if I was going to the parade. Hot dog. Yes I am. He said Amelia had asked him if he could get some cocaine. She wanted to go to the parade with us. At this point I was locked in. Now I have people to go with. I'll just split up for a bit to cover my story and get my interviews. I was eager to get home. I decided I would leave work a bit early. I went back to the office I was borrowing at the time. I kept my supplies in there. A case of Fish Eye. Six pack of beer. A bottle of Oxycodone. Some cannabis. An Altoids can housed my Xanax and Valium. I put everything in my brief case along with a bottle of the Fish Eye and two beers. I walked across the skyway to the medical school. This was a nice building to take care of business. The research building is nice, but it was built in the sixties. Kind of falling apart. A bathroom on the first floor was my destination. I had to kill five minutes. Inside I took a Xanax and drank a beer. I made my way to the subway. Transferred at Market. Destination 30th street. When I arrived I bought my ticket. Still had to kill twenty minutes. Into the bathroom I went. I went in the stall and drank another beer. I like to catch a nice buzz before taking the train. I put my empty can on the toilet and walked out of the stall. Directly outside of the stall stood a police officer. Shit. I should have put the empty can away. I smiled at the officer and walked out. Thirty steps outside of the bathroom he caught up with me. "Hey, come here.". I turned around to comply. He asked if the beer was mine. I knew if I lied he'd nail me. I told him it was mine. I also apologized for leaving it. He told me it was illegal to drink in the bathroom. I told him I was aware of that. "What's in the case?". "Research." ... "For what?" I told him I was a medical school student, and handed over my identification. A driver's license. A student I.D. from the university. An employee I.D. from the medical school. All with my name on it. I am not a medical school student. That sounds much better than a new intern though. He lectured me about how I'm a smart guy. That I should know better. I agreed and apologized. I told him the seats on the train were uncomfortable. That beer helps. He laughed. He returned my cards and told me to stay out of trouble. That was close. There is no research in my brief case. That's for damn sure. I have to be more careful. The train was easy. I made it home and told David I was in the area. We spent the night exchanging stories and waiting for a couple grams of cocaine to arrive. Delivery. The future is now. We told Amelia we had the blow. We also had a place to observe the parade. We had a political connection in the city. Unfortunately they were away for the weekend. I would have loved to interview them. Fortunately they were away for the weekend. We were using their office to pregame. This was ideal. It's not easy to do cocaine out in the open. Now we had a basecamp. It was the morning of the parade. I was excited. Today I cover my story. My breakout story. I'll sell it to the press. A legitimate side hustle. I will not sink. No lifeboats. No need. This is it. The American dream. David and I met up after breakfast. We brewed some coffee. I took two Valium. We sampled the cocaine and poured some Irish whiskey in our mugs. A proper way to start the day. Amelia was going to meet us at the office. A taxi took us into the city. Along the way we stopped to pick up a fresh bottle of Jameson and two six pack of Guinness. Extra stout. We unlocked the building and made our way upstairs. What a beautiful office. Perfect view of where the parade would pass by. Gorgeous ocean view. The Atlantic is an acquired taste. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. I loved it. I grew up with it. Amelia was bringing friends. No problem. We have plenty of room. Hannah and Ellie. Ellie. I haven't seen Ellie all year. We grew up together. I had a crush on her all through high school. The girl from East Egg. We've had our ups and downs. I know one thing. Now I'm extremely nervous. Even with all this junk in my system. Fuck man. I don't know. She just strikes a chord in my feels. It's hard to describe. I'm happy though. I know that. We went to the parade before. I remember it well. We had fun. We ran through the Atlantic Club Casino laughing. We felt like outlaws. We were teenagers. We weren't allowed to be in the casino. Now the Atlantic Club is closed. A deserted building. An empty shell of a memory. That's how I felt without Ellie around anymore. They arrived and we let them in the office. We went upstairs. It was so nice to see my friends. It was even nicer to see Ellie. She looked amazing. A real sight for sore eyes. I almost didn't even want to drink anymore. We did though. A moment later and out comes the cocaine. David broke up even lines across the desk. It was a beautiful desk. Amelia had done coke before at her University. Hannah and Ellie started asking questions. They had never done it before. I started to explain. Then I began to feel uncomfortable. What the fuck am I doing? I don't want this. Hannah sniffed a line. There was a pause. Ellie went in for the kill. "No!" I lunged forward, swiping the powder off the desk. "What the fuck dude?", Amelia asked. I looked at David. He knew why I did that. Then I looked at Ellie. She looked relieved. Hannah started laughing. There were no secrets here. No one said anything, but we all knew why I did that. We poured some shots of Jameson and said cheers. Here comes the parade. We went down to the boardwalk. We were all in our little group. We laughed. We waved at the parade goers. I was happy. Shit. I have to get my interviews. I have to look at the miserable people. Those poor desperate fools. I need my story. I have to witness the decadence. I have to report! Here. The Wild Wild West Casino. It's just on the other side of that wall. I only need a minute. I walked over to the building. Then I turned around. As I turned, so did Ellie. She looked at me. It was only a brief moment, but it was enough. She turned back to the parade. I was frozen. Frozen like the day I met her in the snack line in sixth grade. I knew if I walked through that door I'd never come back. What about the story? What about my side hustle? I need to stay afloat. What if I don't get the job? I'm sinking. This is my lifeline. This story is everything. I need this. I couldn't let go. I haven't seen her in a while. The last time I saw her I didn't think this much time would lapse before we would reunite. How much time would lapse now? I walked back to my friends. I had to. We spent the rest of the day enjoying the parade. Enjoying the nice weather. The beach. The ocean. Enjoying each other. The company. The company of dear friends. The cost of friendship is -- it's priceless. It's easy, sometimes, to forget that. Somewhere in the mix David and I were separated. I stayed with the girls. We took a bus back to Hannah's house. We ordered food and watched Veronica Mars all day. I was not invested whatsoever in that show. I was invested in the time we spent though. Time with my friends. It was great. I knew that I wouldn't see Ellie for a while after that. Just a feeling. I went home after dinner. What an amazing day. I fucked up the story though. I didn't have one. I went to my friend Steve's house. There were a bunch of people there. We all drank. I shared my Xanax with everyone. An hour later I yelled at everyone for stealing them. No surprise there. I was smashed. I was.. I was the one desperately putting coins in that slot machine. I lost. I was sad. Smile because it happened right? Why can't I just find the courage to say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable giving you cocaine. I don't want you to get hurt.". Everything was silently understood. That's just it. I don't want to be silent. I want to say that I like you. The way I tell every other girl I've liked. I wish I didn't get tongue tied with the only girl that actually matters to me. I wouldn't see her again for a while. I also wouldn't write again for almost a year. I continued to press on. Back to the internship. Back to reality. I kept moving. Fucking boat against the current. I was terrified of being borne back ceaselessly into the past. I am no writer. No one takes my writing seriously. I have no story. I can't even cover a local parade. Ellie is gone. She's never coming back. She'll meet a better man. Someone who can talk to her. Tell her they love her. I have to be careful. Careful not to believe in that green light. That orgastic future that year by year recedes before me. Today I am right here. Sitting on the commuter train. Jotting down my failure into my little notebook. Scribbling nonsense that no one will ever read. Silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids. \*More stories, including my high school experience, can be found on* stories. \**Excerpt from my journal:* Monday, March 17th, 2014 got lost searching for the american dream..Didn't cover the parade. had fun but now have nothing to write about. This job fucking sucks i dont even knw what im doing. This wine is doing the trick though... Fuck I miss \**** already god fucking dammit Im gonna get yelled at for not doing my weekend report. I was supposed to transcribe the data from our shared drive. I didnt do it Fuck them they dont even pay me. I hate my life. I fail everything and am a fraud , here comes the ticket guy... fucking swine*
Two months. Two months of busting my ass. Two months of not getting paid. Two months of commuting. Two months of shooting for the moon. Not a star in sight. I was tired. Barely getting any sleep. The life of an unpaid intern. This time last year I had money. The world was my oyster. Now what? I didn't plan for this. I want this job. I think. There's no guarantee. My hard work could be for nothing. That's why I'm writing. Yes. My side hustle. My side hustle that makes no money. I enjoy it though. I like covering stories. Events. News. I feel like a real journalist. Right in the trenches. I haven't covered a decent story in weeks. Horrible writers block. I can feel it slipping. The internship. The drive. The motivation. I want to give up. Throw in the towel. Nice run. This weekend is St. Patricks day though. A glimmer of hope. There's a parade in Atlantic City. I want to cover it. I have an idea. A story. Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe I can turn a trick. Stay afloat. Maybe I won't sink. This ship has no lifeboats. I have to make this work. I have to pull a rabbit out of a hat. The parade is a big deal. It only happens once a year. There's always a huge turnout. It takes place on the boardwalk. People as far as the eye can see. Everyone enjoying themselves. Even the few, or many, who have too much to drink before getting there. The idea is simple. Here's a parade. Outside. All sorts of people having fun. Just a few feet away, blocked by a wall, exists the local casino goers. They aren't attending. They sit glued to their chairs. Slipping one more quarter into the slot machine; one last desperate attempt to win. Ignoring the rapturous all-inclusive enjoyment on the other side of that wall. There are no windows. No clocks. Inside you belong to them. All they have to do is walk outside. Yet they sit bound to those chairs. They are the property of the casino. Paid for by their desperation. The regulars. That was my idea. This was my story. Along with my perspective of the parade. All I needed were a few interviews. Maybe a picture or two. Then all I had to do was write it up. I was excited. I still had half of my work day left. We were running an ELISA in our lab. An assay we used to measure specific proteins in our patients blood samples. We had been doing this for weeks. It was a tedious process. We had to be very careful. I usually took some Valium so my hands wouldn't shake. Today was one of those days. During my break I went to the courtyard. I had fashioned a bong out of some lab equipment. I forgot to clean one of the instruments, so I was praying whatever was in there wasn't flammable. It was not. While I was smoking David called me. He asked if I was going to the parade. Hot dog. Yes I am. He said Amelia had asked him if he could get some cocaine. She wanted to go to the parade with us. At this point I was locked in. Now I have people to go with. I'll just split up for a bit to cover my story and get my interviews. I was eager to get home. I decided I would leave work a bit early. I went back to the office I was borrowing at the time. I kept my supplies in there. A case of Fish Eye. Six pack of beer. A bottle of Oxycodone. Some cannabis. An Altoids can housed my Xanax and Valium. I put everything in my brief case along with a bottle of the Fish Eye and two beers. I walked across the skyway to the medical school. This was a nice building to take care of business. The research building is nice, but it was built in the sixties. Kind of falling apart. A bathroom on the first floor was my destination. I had to kill five minutes. Inside I took a Xanax and drank a beer. I made my way to the subway. Transferred at Market. Destination 30th street. When I arrived I bought my ticket. Still had to kill twenty minutes. Into the bathroom I went. I went in the stall and drank another beer. I like to catch a nice buzz before taking the train. I put my empty can on the toilet and walked out of the stall. Directly outside of the stall stood a police officer. Shit. I should have put the empty can away. I smiled at the officer and walked out. Thirty steps outside of the bathroom he caught up with me. "Hey, come here.". I turned around to comply. He asked if the beer was mine. I knew if I lied he'd nail me. I told him it was mine. I also apologized for leaving it. He told me it was illegal to drink in the bathroom. I told him I was aware of that. "What's in the case?". "Research." ... "For what?" I told him I was a medical school student, and handed over my identification. A driver's license. A student I.D. from the university. An employee I.D. from the medical school. All with my name on it. I am not a medical school student. That sounds much better than a new intern though. He lectured me about how I'm a smart guy. That I should know better. I agreed and apologized. I told him the seats on the train were uncomfortable. That beer helps. He laughed. He returned my cards and told me to stay out of trouble. That was close. There is no research in my brief case. That's for damn sure. I have to be more careful. The train was easy. I made it home and told David I was in the area. We spent the night exchanging stories and waiting for a couple grams of cocaine to arrive. Delivery. The future is now. We told Amelia we had the blow. We also had a place to observe the parade. We had a political connection in the city. Unfortunately they were away for the weekend. I would have loved to interview them. Fortunately they were away for the weekend. We were using their office to pregame. This was ideal. It's not easy to do cocaine out in the open. Now we had a basecamp. It was the morning of the parade. I was excited. Today I cover my story. My breakout story. I'll sell it to the press. A legitimate side hustle. I will not sink. No lifeboats. No need. This is it. The American dream. David and I met up after breakfast. We brewed some coffee. I took two Valium. We sampled the cocaine and poured some Irish whiskey in our mugs. A proper way to start the day. Amelia was going to meet us at the office. A taxi took us into the city. Along the way we stopped to pick up a fresh bottle of Jameson and two six pack of Guinness. Extra stout. We unlocked the building and made our way upstairs. What a beautiful office. Perfect view of where the parade would pass by. Gorgeous ocean view. The Atlantic is an acquired taste. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. I loved it. I grew up with it. Amelia was bringing friends. No problem. We have plenty of room. Hannah and Ellie. Ellie. I haven't seen Ellie all year. We grew up together. I had a crush on her all through high school. The girl from East Egg. We've had our ups and downs. I know one thing. Now I'm extremely nervous. Even with all this junk in my system. Fuck man. I don't know. She just strikes a chord in my feels. It's hard to describe. I'm happy though. I know that. We went to the parade before. I remember it well. We had fun. We ran through the Atlantic Club Casino laughing. We felt like outlaws. We were teenagers. We weren't allowed to be in the casino. Now the Atlantic Club is closed. A deserted building. An empty shell of a memory. That's how I felt without Ellie around anymore. They arrived and we let them in the office. We went upstairs. It was so nice to see my friends. It was even nicer to see Ellie. She looked amazing. A real sight for sore eyes. I almost didn't even want to drink anymore. We did though. A moment later and out comes the cocaine. David broke up even lines across the desk. It was a beautiful desk. Amelia had done coke before at her University. Hannah and Ellie started asking questions. They had never done it before. I started to explain. Then I began to feel uncomfortable. What the fuck am I doing? I don't want this. Hannah sniffed a line. There was a pause. Ellie went in for the kill. "No!" I lunged forward, swiping the powder off the desk. "What the fuck dude?", Amelia asked. I looked at David. He knew why I did that. Then I looked at Ellie. She looked relieved. Hannah started laughing. There were no secrets here. No one said anything, but we all knew why I did that. We poured some shots of Jameson and said cheers. Here comes the parade. We went down to the boardwalk. We were all in our little group. We laughed. We waved at the parade goers. I was happy. Shit. I have to get my interviews. I have to look at the miserable people. Those poor desperate fools. I need my story. I have to witness the decadence. I have to report! Here. The Wild Wild West Casino. It's just on the other side of that wall. I only need a minute. I walked over to the building. Then I turned around. As I turned, so did Ellie. She looked at me. It was only a brief moment, but it was enough. She turned back to the parade. I was frozen. Frozen like the day I met her in the snack line in sixth grade. I knew if I walked through that door I'd never come back. What about the story? What about my side hustle? I need to stay afloat. What if I don't get the job? I'm sinking. This is my lifeline. This story is everything. I need this. I couldn't let go. I haven't seen her in a while. The last time I saw her I didn't think this much time would lapse before we would reunite. How much time would lapse now? I walked back to my friends. I had to. We spent the rest of the day enjoying the parade. Enjoying the nice weather. The beach. The ocean. Enjoying each other. The company. The company of dear friends. The cost of friendship is -- it's priceless. It's easy, sometimes, to forget that. Somewhere in the mix David and I were separated. I stayed with the girls. We took a bus back to Hannah's house. We ordered food and watched Veronica Mars all day. I was not invested whatsoever in that show. I was invested in the time we spent though. Time with my friends. It was great. I knew that I wouldn't see Ellie for a while after that. Just a feeling. I went home after dinner. What an amazing day. I fucked up the story though. I didn't have one. I went to my friend Steve's house. There were a bunch of people there. We all drank. I shared my Xanax with everyone. An hour later I yelled at everyone for stealing them. No surprise there. I was smashed. I was.. I was the one desperately putting coins in that slot machine. I lost. I was sad. Smile because it happened right? Why can't I just find the courage to say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable giving you cocaine. I don't want you to get hurt.". Everything was silently understood. That's just it. I don't want to be silent. I want to say that I like you. The way I tell every other girl I've liked. I wish I didn't get tongue tied with the only girl that actually matters to me. I wouldn't see her again for a while. I also wouldn't write again for almost a year. I continued to press on. Back to the internship. Back to reality. I kept moving. Fucking boat against the current. I was terrified of being borne back ceaselessly into the past. I am no writer. No one takes my writing seriously. I have no story. I can't even cover a local parade. Ellie is gone. She's never coming back. She'll meet a better man. Someone who can talk to her. Tell her they love her. I have to be careful. Careful not to believe in that green light. That orgastic future that year by year recedes before me. Today I am right here. Sitting on the commuter train. Jotting down my failure into my little notebook. Scribbling nonsense that no one will ever read. Silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids. \*More stories, including my high school experience, can be found on* stories. \**Excerpt from my journal:* Monday, March 17th, 2014 got lost searching for the american dream..Didn't cover the parade. had fun but now have nothing to write about. This job fucking sucks i dont even knw what im doing. This wine is doing the trick though... Fuck I miss \**** already god fucking dammit Im gonna get yelled at for not doing my weekend report. I was supposed to transcribe the data from our shared drive. I didnt do it Fuck them they dont even pay me. I hate my life. I fail everything and am a fraud , here comes the ticket guy... fucking swine*
A Cliff Notes Summary of the First One Out Interviews
If you haven't had time to listen to seven hours of podcast interviews, or you didn't retain everything you heard, here are some key points. I didn't think to do this until just now, so I'll be posting it as a work in progress and updating it throughout the afternoon. That way more people will have a chance to read up before the premiere. Karishma Patel, 37, Personal Injury Trial Lawyer, Houston, TX -First generation Indian-American Her mom was as a legal assistant, and got her a filing job at her law firm when she was 14. "I didn't have other options. I was basically told I was going to be a lawyer and I didn't disagree."She has watched every season and regularly listens to RHAP. She sits close to the TV to study the inflections on people's faces when something is said to them, so that she can think about what that means. But, her parents and husband don't share her enthusiasm for the show. Asked if it's her dark pleasure she says, "It is completely bright. It is a beautiful pleasure of mine, but it is mine and mine only. I haven't been able to find people to share it with." -Doing the show has caused her conflict. "Not only is it not expected, it's not allowed. It's kind of like being a disobedient Indian girl. You're not supposed to be doing this. What you're supposed to be doing is having babies. But I don't care. I'm a risk taker. I'm here to prove to myself that I don't need to listen to anybody else. I don't need permission from anybody else. This is my journey and I'm going to take it. I hope that people watching out there can see that an Indian woman's value does not come from doing what she's told." -She doesn't currently have children, and she says she has some decisions to make as she enters a crossroads and the next stage of her life. -Her law firm told her they'll replace her if they're able to find someone, and she can have her job back if they don't. "I didn't flinch." -Her strategy is to be non-threatening and play a social game. She doesn't look 37, and she wants to use that youthfulness to be disarming. She wants to build relationships other people believe in. She defines success by other people vouching for her loyalty when they go off and have private conversations with one another. "That means I got 'em, because it's actually the other way around." Asked if she wants to find someone she can trust, "I'm not going to be capable of it. I'm too skeptical for that. I overthink things, so I'm not going to be able to trust somebody the way I want to be trusted... If I do, that's the end of my game." My take: Oh my God. Poor Karishma. Her story hurts my heart. She reminds me so much of myself in her isolation, her defiance and her deep feelings. I worry that her fear of trusting people could get in the way of her forming genuine bonds. But, there's nothing she can do. Society has made her the way she is. I hope she gets a lot of screen time so she can be a star of her favorite show. Missy Byrd, 24, Military Veteran/App Developer, Tacoma, Washington -Originally from Georgia. Her family was 'decently poor.' She played basketball for the Air Force Academy because she thought it was her ticket out. -She had a brain tumor. She stopped menstruating for a year and two quarters. "I'm not dating anyone but I have breast milk. I'm a literal cow... I would look down and my shirt would be wet, and I thought, 'Dang you're clumsy. I knew you were clumsy, but you're clumsier today than you were yesterday. But it was - it was - uhh - milk." She had crying fits. She developed a stutter and couldn't look at people. Doctors told her she was just stressed. When her dad died she couldn't process emotions normally. She was about to go to the French version of the Air Force Academy, École de l'air, after graduation but because of her mental instability she was removed from school. The military shipped her to the same Air Force base as Sandra (Fort Lewis.) "I don't want to be there. Super sad. Check into the post office - fuck this. Check into the dorms - hate that." The doctor there found the tumor. She got an MRI and all weekend she believed she might have cancer. Over the next year and a half she eliminated the tumor and the symptoms using vitamins. She enlisted and worked logistics. -She made a list of the things she wanted to do now that she was going to live. "The first thing was go see Beyonce. Beyonce costs way too much money for a normal person to go see, but if you've just almost had a near death experience you go see Beyonce, bro!" She was feet away. She drove across the country. She tried weed. -She had an idea for an app, but didn't even have the computer literacy to use social media. She found a veteran's association and asked if she could intern. "They said, 'No, you should build this out yourself. We want to work for you.' I said, 'No, the fuck you don't. Okay, lemme call my grandma.'" She wrote a grant proposal and won a $1,500 office space in the center of Seattle. "Just to do whatever I want. It was like a laboratory for a child. I had Play-Dough up there. I had a white board... Just mind blowing shit when I could have been dead." -She'd seen every episode of Survivor at least three times. She started watching because her Air Force Academy basketball team was getting decimated, and she related to Foa Foa getting decimated in Survivor: Samoa. She added the show to her list. Josh suggests, "The bugs are eating you because they want some of that magic." -She isn't going to tell people her story until she's in the Final 3. "That's that Final 3 magic." She doesn't want to overly rely on strategy. She doesn't want to win individual challenges. She to build a social game and find ways to relate to everyone. My take: She's so full of exuberance. There's not a negative bone in her body right now. She's too young and her life experience is too necessarily limited to talk around three years of her life. If she shares her story, the beauty of her perspective will cause everyone to fall in love with her and want her to do well. If she doesn't, people will sense that she's hiding a lot. I think she'll figure that out and course correct within the first day. Since she was at the same Air Force base as Sandra and she was a massive fan, does that suggest she knows her? Ronnie Bardah, 35, Professional Poker Player, Henderson, Nevada-Born and raised in Brockton, Massachusetts, 20 minutes south of Boston. They were the only Israeli family in town. 50% of the people in Brockton were from Cape Verde, and he considers himself an "honorary Cape Verdian." A couple of his friends were shot and killed at a young age. -He was a good kid and had a good heart, but he was always hustling. In Junior High he was flipping Oatmeal Cakes and Fudge Rounds for a profit. Slinging baseball cards. Both his parents gambled. They were always at the dog tracks or Mohegan Sun. He had his friend make him a fake ID and got stuck with the name Alaja Jones. He went by Al and started playing the casinos. Quit his job at Sears Automotive to play poker full time.-He played Atlantic City, Vegas, then internationally. He had his first big score in 2010 when he took 24th place in the main event for $320,000. Got to keep $150,000 after taxes. "Poker's a hard way to make an easy living. Lots of people try. We risk every day. You have to get to a point when you can manage your bankroll and I've never gone broke in the 16 years I've played." -In one of the most viewed poker hands of all time, he was bluffed out of a million dollar pot by a supermodel on a poker TV show filmed in Monaco. "She made a sick play. She had no idea what she was doing but all the stars were aligned."-He watched Borneo when it aired and got back into it when fellow poker player Anna Khait was on. He calls Jean-Robert, "kinda a lazy guy...He's really good at befriending multi-millionaires." "Anna Khait... is probably the least poker player out of all of us. She played for a couple years." "And then Garrett - He's a very, very smart, smart kid... Self-made millionaire. One of the very, very few." -He only drank water for 7.5 days and lost 25 pounds for his health and to get an idea of the conditions of the show. He thinks he'll thrive in the survival situation. "People like being around me. I like to fucking bust balls and joke." He thinks old school alliances are a good plan, but you have to adapt. He says that like in poker, Survivor players can have every advantage, but they have to really smell it. -He wants Vince out. "There's an Asian Zeke in there. What value does he bring besides ruining people and getting in people's heads? He's a liability in challenges. He looks like a little corn puff. We gotta get him outta here. Sorry to sound so mean but it's the truth." My take: Ruuuuude. He has no way of knowing how other people on the cast are talking in their interviews, and may assume the trash talk is standard. If he were playing on some seasons it would be. But, in this particular season it sets him apart in an unflattering way, and it seems a part of the tough persona he's built up to escape a scary situation growing up and enter a fantasy career. We'll see whether his tribe thinks he's a straight talking character or a jerk. Tom Laidlaw, Former NHL Player, Brampton, Ontario, Canada -He was with the New York Rangers for 7 years and the LA Kings for 4. Now he has his own podcast, True Grit Life (truegritlife.com). Does it with a friend, Kevin Allen, who writes for USA Today. Does motivational speaking. -Growing up on a dairy farm outside Toronto there was a pond to water the cows. It froze over in the winters and he'd play hockey because there wasn't much else to do. Went to Northern Michigan University - four year hockey captain, ranked #1 team in the country. Drafted as a 20 year old. "My buddy had a horse farm. We were cleaning horse shit out of the stalls. There were no cell phones back then. This is 1978. My father got a call at our farm house from the New York Rangers at the draft. Back then nobody went to the draft - it was just teams. They said I'd been drafted in the sixth round. He calls the farm house where I'm working. They bring me up. He says, 'Son, you've been drafted by the Rangers.' I said, 'Great. What do I do now?' He says, 'Finish cleaning the shit out of the stalls.'" -When he played intimidation and fighting was strategy. There were guys tougher than him, but he could fight and he could also play. Problem was, he fought a guy once, and from then on the guy wanted to fight him over and over. -Jerry Bruckheimer, big hockey fan, called the NHL and wanted to get some players on the Amazing Race. Tom had kept himself in shape, he had his passport. They ended up asking him about Survivor. He'd watched it before but not for a while. He wasn't so sure he wanted to play a game where you hurt other people, but friends helped him get his head around it. He was very impressed by Christian's toughness in the endurance challenge. To prepare for the show he studied how he reacted to different situations, how to control his heart heart, etc. He wants the mental challenge. My take: Tom really ticked me off when he spoiled a couple of outcomes of this season. That's a betrayal of the producers, his cast and the viewers. But, if that hadn't happened I would like him. He's an easy-going, charming guy. His life experiences are a bit different than anyone else who's been on the show, which is what you want. Vince Moua, 27, Admissions Counselor, Merced, CA -His family is Hmong. His parents lived in Vietnam in the destruction left by the war - dead bodies, guns, people who wanted to kill them. They went to refugee camps in Thailand. Then his dad became a Montana farm hand. He met Vince's mom in the US, but she came from the same place. -Vince is from small town Merced, California - the 209. Few people he knew went anywhere but the UC system and community college. He went to Stanford, one of only 7-10 Hmong. He realized the significance someone can bring to people from the same community. He tried to be pre-med but realized "no, not today." The issues of access he cared about came well before people got to the hospital. He ended up going with education. His mom was a teacher, "But when I was growing up she said, 'Yo, if you become a teacher Imma disown yo ass.' To all of us. But, that's always kinda been my jam." -He lived in South Korea for five years. He taught English in a town. Then in Seoul ahed worked with low and middle income students who wanted to study outside of Korea. -He's a Survivor superfan, who even mentions on his Tinder account that he plans to be on Survivor. His parents were worried about him doing TV because he's not out as gay to his extended family. He comes from a clan where his dad is the "top dog" and Vince is "the next top dog." In the Asian American/Pacific Islander community when you come out, it's your family who faces - in a sense - dishonor. For a long time he distanced himself from his family, hoping they'd all be less hurt if they found out and disowned him. He always tried to find friends who would be there for him should his parents not be. A year ago his mom asked him rhetorically if he was gay. "I was try'n to go around it. I was like, 'Gurl, you don't wanna know! Yo ass keeps asking!' But she kept asking, asking. So finally I told her 'Yeah, I am!' and she was crying. My dad was like, 'Oh, my son!'" But, Vince is fine with who he is and wants to show kids like him that "let's hope that it gets better." Now his parents just want him to win. -He'd like to play an old school strategy but "I'm not afraid to cut a bitch." With the tribe he's going to be Homeboy Vince from the 209, but when he talks to the camera he's going to tell people "Don't underestimate your narratives." This past year with Crazy Rich Asians, he wants people to know that there are some Crazy Hood Ass Asians. My take: What a character. Vince has a clear point of view - Hmong, blue collar, gay - which is unique to him in Survivor lore. Even though double minorities have sometimes had trouble fitting in socially on Survivor I think somehow he's going to pull it off. As unlikely as this sounds I could even see him being a Cochran-esque winner. Aaron Meredith, 36, Personal Trainer, Warwick, Rhode Island -He's very keyed up at Ponderosa. Rambling so fast it sounds like you're listening to 1.5x. He's read four books so far - Relentless by Tim Grover, Can't Hurt Me by Dave Goggins, Iron Cowboy by James Lawrence, Harry Potter. -He was an engineer at a building insulation plant. He was miserable, too antsy sitting at a desk. Couldn't focus. So, he drove up and down the East Coast popping kettle corn - from Maine to Florida - traveling with carnies. Bartended for a while. He'd played college football and baseball, lifted since high school, and he and his friends wanted to get "huge and jacked and ripped." The owner of the gym suggested he become a personal trainer. He ended up working mostly with middle aged women and it taught him empathy. Now he owns two women's-only fitness studios. He puts supportive women around one another and offers them the positivity to seek self-growth. -He's also a party boat emcee. Lights, DJ, bar, drinks. He's an extremely social person. -He'd first applied at 23 - 6 or 7 times over the years. He was in the mix for Cook Islands and David vs. Goliath. -He's been married 7 years and has a 5 year old son. His son is a huge fan of Survivor. Libby Vincek is his favorite player. Kara Kay was his next favorite. Aaron is already sure Molly will be his son's favorite. "He has a type. He He likes the attractive blondes. He says, 'I like them because they have a nice face.' I like mommy because she has a nice face too." The boy was very concerned about his dad going on the show. He said, "Dad, I don't want anyone to laugh at you and make fun of you." Aaron said he wanted to win. His son said, "But you might not win." When they watch the show he'll always ask, "Do they like him? Do they like her?" If Aaron is portrayed in a negative light he'll have to sit down with his son and talk. He doesn't want to play a deceitful game, but he will, because he doesn't care how he's portrayed. My take: His story about his son is one of my favorites from all these interviews. I hope he gets to work with Molly. His adrenaline is too high. I hope he calms down a lot when the game starts. But, someone so social and sweet hearted who can win challenges and take themselves to the end has got to be a contender to win. Chelsea Walker, 27, Digital Content Editor, Los Angeles, CA -Chelsea just took the cast photo and they put her in the third spot from the bottom, a good omen because a weird number of winners have been in that position. "Your girl's number three. I got this!" -She's a Jersey girl. She went to the University of Maryland. "I didn't do Survivor: Maryland or anything." She studied Broadcast Journalism. She knew the generic emails for NBC Universal and emailed random people until someone replied. Now she's been in LA a year. She did coverage of award shows. Now she works at IMDB, where she helps Kevin Smith with his show. She just interviewed people at SXSW. -She's been watching Survivor since she was 8. She's cried in every interview because this means so much to her. She's trying to explain that at the point she starts crying again. "It's been such a dream of mine and To be told no year after year after year - these past six years have been a total mindfuck. I've basically been called every single year. I've been to finals three times. Survivor is my one true love, but the one year they didn't call me I got really pissed off so I tried out for Big Brother. I ended up becoming the alternate and got my key being filmed and all of that crap. But I don't like that show anyway." -In September 2017 she was at a WeHo bar for her friend's birthday when, "Oh shit that's Jeff Probst." Her girlfriends all know she's obsessed, so she pulled the waiter over and asked what that guy was drinking. So, Chelsea sent another one over. "I told my friends, 'Take my credit card. Split the bill, because I can't come back after I do this. As soon as the waiter drops off the drink I'm like, 'Jeff, this one's on me. You can buy me the next one at finals.' And I just walked out of the restaurant... That was a big move!" They didn't call her again that year, but Jeff still remembered when they talked this year. -She's been working out at four different gyms - weights, pilates, yoga. Push ups. Memorized puzzles. Reading How to Win Friends and Influence People, which she keeps in.a Bible sleeve so people will think she's religious. She also carries Harry Potter because she would trust someone who read HP. She wants to keep it cool. Make one on one connections. Eventually find idols - and not tell anyone she has one - and make calculated moves. "I don't want to be a Jacob. No offense." My take: Hearing this girl cry from joy because she's so happy to be on the show makes me emotional. She's a real go getter. I wish I were that damn fearless. Truly, I wish I were more like her. I hope her pure zest for life comes across on TV and she doesn't get stuck with a purple edit just because of her age and gender. I also hope no one decides to get threatened by her as a competitive girl and vote her off premerge. I think she'll go far. Hope so. Dean Kowalski, 28, Account Executive, New York, New York -Referring to himself in the third person, "Dean is 28 years old. As we mentioned, he lives in New York and he prides himself on being a well rounded person when it comes to interests, abilities, personalities... If I'm listening to Drake and Lil Wayne, I gotta go home and cry to This Is Us.. I can play basketball but also think about our place in the universe." He likes to tag basketball courts with a peace symbol with a ball on it which he makes using a stencil. -He structures most of his interview with Josh around an Outwit, Outplay, Outlast format, explaining why he excels at each. -He grew up in an affluent suburb. His dream was to play in the NBA. He was 5"9 3/4, so he set his eyes on college basketball as a realistic alternative. In order to get looks from colleges he went to a school 30 minutes away - top five in the country, Nike would fly them around for games and give them free Jordan sneakers. He was one of only 4 white guys in the whole school and the only one on the team. He played with Kyrie Irving, the #1 overall draft pick. "My friend said you look like the Make a Wish Kid who just wants to be on the team for a day." He played at Colombia University, where he was co-captain his senior year despite averaging two minutes a game. He became a teacher, then did sales for a tech startup in New York. He now sells ads for Google. -He's a fan, but far from a superfan. He started watching Brenda's season. (He thinks it was Nicaragua, but it was actually Carmoan.) He works with a superfan who freaked out when they had a meeting at H&R Block with Carolyn Rivera and they went out to Bourbon Street with her. He kept watching for five years and thought he could do well. He hates when people are all talk, so he sent in a tape. For the video he interviewed random strangers on the street, who had never met him or seen the show, and asked them, "Why am I going to win it?" A barber, a construction worker. He's going to tell people he's in marketing, not sales - people have sales. My take: I'm just not that into him. Elaine Stott, 41, Factory Worker, Rockholds, NY -When Josh asks her not to touch the table she asks him, "You seen that Bart Simpson commercial, right? Don't touch my Butterfinger? I'm already hungry thinking about it." -"I had a pretty rough way to go growing up." Her single dad raised her and her three brothers. She was the youngest. "I was raised like one of the boys. Know what I mean? Daddy didn't know how to raise no little girl." He worked 16-17 hour days. The kids raised themselves. "When little children make their own decisions, they make poor ones." She was a hellion. -She's originally from Woodbine, Kentucky, Nick Wilson's hometown. Her god sister went to school with him and she knows him through the grapevine. "We rode on different sides of the track. 20 years ago he coulda been my lawyer, because I was on the other side of the law. I'm not bad. I've just done some things." Public intoxication several times. "I come from a dry county. It's like Footloose. We cross the state line to get a beer and when you come back you're in trouble." She stole a newspaper stand once and had to do community service. "I was a little bit mean." -She went to live with her grandpa and cleaned her act up, by which she means that she started smoking a little weed and playing sports - basketball, softball, track. She played softball and judo in college. "I couldn't do nothing real technical. We had Brazilians on the team who could do flying arm bars. But if I got these claws on you and got ya on the ground I'd waller you to death." In casting she put this guy Will in an armbar. She was gonna choke him but didn't know if she should. -When she graduated, her girlfriend was a college Freshman so she went to all the same parties and ballgames for four years. Then she realized she needed a job. Now she drives a Ford truck for a factory. She's been there 15 years. She works 12 hours, 7 days a week. -Growing up her mom "was always in my life in some sense. She'd never miss a birthday. She'd be homeless, but she'd still call." Elaine and her brothers bought her cars, and places to live, and got her jobs. "In a sense I've been mourning the loss of my mom my whole life." Once Elaine was homeless herself and there was snow on the ground. It was cold, and her teacher took her in. Gave her Christmas presents. Made her go to prom. Survivor was a thing they shared, and the teacher was gonna be Elaine's loved one. But within a one year period the woman lost her daughter, her husband, her dog and then had a stroke. Now "she walks like Frankenstein" and can't go. Elaine got Probst to talk to her, and she can't wait to watch. In October Elaine's biological mom went into a coma. She was on life support, but Elaine wouldn't unplug her. Her mom came out of it and seemed to be doing a lot better only to die very suddenly of a heart attack. -Her girlfriend and her girlfriend's two sons are gonna be watching. The 18 year old doesn't know because he can't keep a secret. The 13 year old helped her lose 20 pounds doing crossfit to come out here. She wants the money, but she really wants "some of that soul searching, that life adventure, that life changing - some of that. You know what I mean? Gimme some of that soup! Lemme eat some of that up! I want this show to build me up, because I feel like it can. I sure hope to hell it don't tear me down." My take: About 12 sobbing emojis in a row. She's my favorite. If she gets voted out premerge I'm going to go into mourning. And how can you not sort of expect that? I am going to be so upset if they just dismiss her because she's older and looks out of shape and sounds country. If that happens, I want another Second Chance season next year. Elizabeth Biesel, 26, Olympic swimmer, South Kingstown, Rhode Island -Josh says that Elizabeth was outright identified by one of the other contestants because they'd been watching YouTube videos about how to be a better swimmer. Others guessed she was an Olympian based on her rings tattoo. -She's from the Ocean State. They lived a block away from the beach, so they wanted her to take swimming lessons. She was a rambunctious child and swimming was the only way they could calm her energy. She started breaking records when she was 7 or 8. When she was 13 she made her first national team. At 15 she went to the Olympics. She got good early. Women peak around 22-23, and she ended her career at 24. You couldn't make much money doing it. She swam one of the longer, more grueling races, and her body said "no more." She listened to her body and retired. Some athletes lose their love for swimming because they're embittered by losing by 1/100th of a second, or they leave injured. She left on a good note. Still, if she could swim competitively for the rest of her life, she would. Now she doesn't know who she is or what she's going to do with the rest of her life. Every hour of the day used to have a purpose. Now her days are wide open. She can't keep eating 5,000 calories a day. "It's sort of like I'm mourning the death of Elizabeth Biesel the swimmer." -She was a Survivor fan as a kid because Richard Hatch was from Rhode Island. In her area "Every single household that had a television set was watching Survivor." When they asked her if she'd do the show, she felt pure joy. She said absolutely right away. She's excited about the competition of Survivor. No heated Olympic pools. You're stripped down to your core. She's amazed by the scope of the production apparatus. She's not a schemer. She wants to be a challenge beast - not the best woman but the best overall. She'd love to have a Wendell and Dom relationship with another woman. But, she wants to avoid the drama as long as she can. My take: Could Chelsea be Wendell to her Dom? She's so wholesome. She's just so "Olympics." I love her and everything she represents. I'd love to see her rocket through the swimming competitions, lapping everyone else. Go Elizabeth.
I love Hitman. It’s the only video game franchise that I’ve played in its entirety, and it’s a series I will keep playing for years to come, regardless of whether or not they ever release Hitman 3. The key to Hitman’s greatness is its replayability. Every level has more than one solution, and the best have seemingly countless. I love sitting down with pretty much any Hitman game, loading up a favourite level, and executing a perfect hit in a way I’ve never done before. Don’t ask me about the overarching story, because I’ve only played most of these games linearly once, but ask me the best way to assassinate both targets at the fashion show and boy do I have tales to tell. So without further ado, here’s my rundown of every level in every main Hitman game with a brief write up and an overall replayability score. It may be a little obsessive, but hey, that’s part of the fun of being a Hitman fan. (If you’re wondering, the best way to kill both targets in at the fashion show is to push Dalia off a balcony onto Victor below. Seriously, it’s the greatest feeling in the world) Hitman: Codename 47 This is where it all began, and it’s absolutely a game Hitman fans should play once. I don’t think it holds up all that well but it’s fascinating to see where a lot of the series’ trademarks came from. As you probably know, the majority of the levels in the game were remade in Hitman: Contracts; I think Contracts improves on them significantly, so I will be leaving them out of my Codename 47 ratings, and discussing them when we get to Hitman: Contracts. 1 - Training - Ort-Meyer’s Asylum, Romania Here we go - our intro to Agent 47 (well, “47” here). As far as training levels go, it’s pretty decent, doing a good job of explaining gameplay mechanics, without overstaying its welcome. I’ve only ever played it once, however, and feel like I got everything I need out of it. Replayability: ⅕ 2 - Kowloon Triads in Gang War - Chiu Dai Park, Kowloon, Hong Kong See Slaying a Dragon in Hitman: Contracts 3 - Ambush at the Wang Fou Restaurant - Wang Fou Restaurant, Kowloon, Hong Kong See The Wang Fou Incident in Hitman: Contracts 4 - The Massacre at Cheung Chau Fish Restaurant - Cheung Chau Fish Restaurant, Kowloon, Hong Kong See The Seafood Massacre in Hitman: Contracts 5 - The Lee Hong Assassination - Wang Fou Restaurant, Kowloon, Hong Kong See The Lee Hong Assassination in Hitman: Contracts 6 - Find the U'wa Tribe - Colombian Jungle The three missions in Columbia are some of my least favourite in all of Hitman-dom, simply because you have to play all three as third person shooters. Stealth is almost never an option, and it drives me INSANE. Replayability: ⅕ 7 - The Jungle God - Colombian Jungle More of the above, and I feel worse for that little pig than any target in Hitman history. Replayability: ⅕ 8 - Say Hello to My Little Friend - Pablo Ochoa’s Camp, Colombian Jungle Look, I don’t hate Codename 47. It’s just that the levels that weren’t remade mostly aren’t very good. Sorry, Codename 47 - this one’s gonna be a no from me. Replayability: ⅕ 9 - Traditions of the Trade - Hotel Gallàrd, Budapest See Traditions of the Trade in Hitman: Contracts 10 - Gunrunner’s Paradise - Harbor, Rotterdam See Deadly Cargo in Hitman: Contracts 11 - Plutonium Runs Loose - Harbor, Rotterdam See Deadly Cargo in Hitman: Contracts 12 - The Setup - Ort-Meyer’s Asylum, Romania I actually like this one! It can, and should, be done stealthily, and even though I don’t care very much about the overall story of Hitman, these last two levels are pretty interesting. I also like bringing patients the items they want. It’s not that replayable, but it’s definitely a cut above the Colombia ones. Replayability: ⅖ 13 - Meet Your Brother - Ort-Meyer’s Asylum, Romania After the stealthy fun of The Setup it’s a little disappointing that the game ends with a shooting gallery. That said, killing clones of 47 is fun to do once. Replayability: ⅕ Hitman: Codename 47 Average Replayability: ⅕ Hitman 2: Silent Assassin This was the first game in the series I played, and my god did I love it. It improves on everything that worked about Codename 47, and ditches pretty much everything that didn’t. It doesn’t all work quite as well as I remembered, but it’s still a good game. 1 - The Gontranno Sanctuary - Vittorio’s Church, Sicily We begin in a cute little Sicilian church, and while there isn’t anyone to kill here, I like revisiting this level from time to time because it’s very zen and 47 seems to genuinely enjoy not killing people for a change. Replayability: ⅖ 2 - Anathema - Villa Borghese, Sicily Before we know it 47 is back to his old tricks and Diana sends him to assassinate a mafia don. The setting is certainly limited by the graphics, and there isn’t a ton to do once you get into the compound, but this has the honour of being the first proper Hitman level I ever played, and will always have a special place in my heart. Replayability: ⅗ 3 - St. Petersburg Stakeout - St. Petersburg, Russia This is a great one. The location, the music, the time limit, and the process of elimination game you have to play to identify the general all works together to create a mission that I still enjoy going back to. Replayability: ⅗ 4 - Kirov Park Meeting - St. Petersburg, Russia While not as good as St. Petersburg Stakeout, there’s plenty of fun to be had either sniping or bombing the targets. And that Jesper Kyd score - my god. Replayability: ⅖ 5 - Tubeway Torpedo - St. Petersburg, Russia This one feels a bit like filler, but it’s always nice when Agent Smith pops up. Replayability: ⅕ 6 - Invitation to a Party - St. Petersburg, Russia I love just about any Hitman mission with civilians hanging out at what would otherwise be a fairly ordinary location. Invitation to a Party fits the bill, and I think it’s a wonderful conclusion to the Russia chapter of this game. Replayability: ⅗ 7 - Tracking Hayamoto - Hayamoto’s Mansion, Honshu, Japan Hitman in Japan is fun because Agent 47 is basically a ninja. This level isn’t amazing, but poisoning sushi while dressed up as a chef is extremely satisfying. Replayability: ⅖ 8 - Hidden Valley - Honshu, Japan Definitely filler. Replayability: ⅕ 9 -At the Gates - Honshu, Japan Wait, we still can’t kill Hayamoto?! If I was giving out zero scores, this would be the number one candidate. Replayability: ⅕ 10 - Shogun Showdown - Katsuyama Mansion, Honsu, Japan It isn’t totally worth the two levels of tedium it took to get here, but Shogun Showdown is a cool level. Dressing up as a ninja and sneaking around lasers just feels so right. Replayability: ⅖ 11 - Basement Killing - Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia This level is fairly easy, but I absolutely love it. It can be done so smoothly with practice, and I find either of the three basic solutions to be a blast. I’ve completed this level waaay too many times. Replayability: ⅘ 12 - Graveyard Shift - Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia This level would feel right at home in a Splinter Cell, which is never a bad thing. Replayability: ⅖ 13 - The Jacuzzi Job - Petronas Towers, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Everything about The Jacuzzi Job is goofy fun, from the all-female guards to the rubber duck to the fact that Charlie is totally nude. I most definitely want to make boom boom with Charlie. Replayability: ⅗ 14 - Murder at the Bazaar - Nuristan, Afghanistan The most memorable thing about this section of the game is that 47 looks like Professor Quirrell from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Replayability: ⅕ 15 - The Motorcade Interception - Nuristan, Afghanistan Not only is this as dull as Hidden Valley it’s incredibly frustrating too. Hard pass. Replayability: ⅕ 16 - Tunnel Rat - Nuristan, Afghanistan Well, at least this is the last mission in Afghanistan. Replayability: ⅕ 17 - Temple City Ambush - Temple City, Punjab, India The layout of this level isn’t anything to write home about, but the surprise of the third assassin appearing never ceases to bring a smile to my face. Replayability: ⅖ 18 - The Death of Hannelore - Temple City Palace, Punjab, India The location is nice, but this mission’s just never done it for me. Replayability: ⅕ 19 - Terminal Hospitality - Hospital Island, Punjab, India Like the previous mission, there’s something about this one that just doesn’t click. The clone showing up at the end is kind of neat though. Replayability: ⅕ 20 - St. Petersburg Revisited - St. Petersburg, Russia I had forgotten how much this game sags at the end. We go BACK to St. Petersburg?! Replayability: ⅕ 21 - Redemption at Gontranno - Vittorio’s Church, Sicily Like Codename 47, we end where we began, and like Codename 47, we unfortunately end with a shooting gallery. It’s not a bad mission, just not a very replayable one. Replayability: ⅕ Hitman 2: Silent Assassin Average Replayability: ⅖ Hitman 2 Christmas Game Yes I’ve played this - no, you should not. Hitman: Contracts Like 2018’s Hitman 2, Contracts doesn’t set out to reinvent the wheel. What it does is focus on what made Silent Assassin great and do more of that. There are a few gameplay tweaks, but as far as mechanics go, Contracts mostly stays the course. What’s so special about it is the atmosphere; it’s by far the darkest Hitman game, and every level feels wonderfully seedy and grim. 1 - Asylum Aftermath - Ort-Meyer’s Asylum, Romania We start with the aftermath of 47 killing Ort-Meyer, and it’s a nice introduction to the basic concept of the game - revisiting the past. Replayability: ⅖ 2 - The Meat King’s Party - Slaughterhouse, Romania Everything about this mission is completely disgusting - I love it! Replayability: ⅘ 3 - The Bjarkhov Bomb - Remote Base, Siberia, Russia This mission feels very been-there-done-that, especially after the giddy grotesquery of The Meat King’s Party. Replayability: ⅕ 4 - Beldingford Manor - Beldingford Manor, England Oh HELL yes. One of the best Hitman missions ever, Beldingford Manor is the perfect illustration of what this series can offer. Interesting, but believable location - check. Endless ways to complete the mission - check. Wonderfully evil targets - check. Great score - check. So. Much. Atmosphere - check, check, check. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play Beldingford Manor for the 100th time. Replayability: 5/5 5 - Rendezvous in Rotterdam - Flaming Rotterdam’s Compound, Rotterdam, Netherlands Bikers are kind of the worst. I don’t like their shitty attitudes, shitty music, or shitty decorating choices. I don’t like this level. Replayability: ⅕ 6 - Deadly Cargo This is the first full-on Codename 47 remake in the game, combining Gunrunner’s Paradise with Plutonium Runs Loose. The location isn’t the most exciting, but with a nuclear bomb to diffuse and a treasure trove of different ways to complete the mission, I’m not complaining. Replayability: ⅘ 7 - Traditions of the Trade - Hotel Galar, Budapest, Hungary Another home run, this level is dripping with atmosphere AND features a ghost. Yes please. Replayability: ⅘ 8 - Slaying a Dragon - Chiu Dai Park, Hong Kong This level can be completed so hilariously quickly that I never really feel like putting in the effort to try other solutions. Replayability: ⅕ 9 - The Wang Fou Incident - Wang Fou Restaurant, Hong Kong It wouldn’t work that well story-wise, but these Hong Kong missions should probably have been combined Deadly Cargo-style. They’re just too simple on their own. Replayability: ⅕ 10 - The Seafood Massacre - Cheung Chau Fish Restaurant, Hong Kong This one is quite fun, and framing someone else for murder is always a good time. Replayability: ⅖ 11 - The Lee Hong Assassination - Wang Fou Restaurant, Hong Kong It’s not a bad end to the Lee Hong series of levels, but it’s a bit anticlimactic. Agent Smith raises its pedigree slightly. Replayability: ⅖ 12 - Hunter and Hunted - Hotel, Paris, France 47 goes full Leon: The Professional and it’s glorious. Playing Contracts for the first time, a part of me knew this mission must be coming, but actually playing 47s impossible escape blew my expectations away. A superb end to a very underrated game. Replayability: 5/5 Hitman: Contracts Average Replayability: ⅗ Hitman: Blood Money What more can be said about Blood Money? It’s the game where everything just fell into place. 1 - Death of a Showman - Southland Amusement Park, Baltimore, USA It’s a testament to the greatness of Blood Money that even the training mission is excellent. It’s not as replayable as some of the truly legendary levels this game has to offer, but Death of a Showman is the perfect introduction to everyone’s favourite Hitman game. Replayability: ⅗ 2 - A Vintage Year - Colchagua Valley Vineyard, Chile This is a very good Hitman level, but it hasn’t stuck with me the way some of Blood Money has. Replayability: ⅗ 3 - Curtains Down - Garnier Opera House, Paris, France This is one of those levels that you can point to and say, “THAT’S what Hitman is.” It’s Hitchcockian in its construction, gorgeous, and may feature the most satisfying kill in any Hitman game. And can I mention how fantastic the mission titles are in Blood Money? Replayability: 5/5 4 - Flatline - Pine Cone Rehabilitation Centre, California, USA Three targets AND you get to rescue Agent Smith. Hitman had done medical centres before, but this was the best yet by far. 47 in a robe makes me chuckle every time. Replayability: ⅘ 5 - A New Life - Suburbs, San Diego, USA Dear god this game just keeps knocking it out of the park. This may be my favourite Hitman level of all time, and it all comes down to the simple location. There’s something so twisted about watching 47 stalk his prey in the suburbs; it’s like Michael Myers in Halloween. It’s an inversion of everyday life, and a brilliant examination of the darkness that can lurk just below the surface. Replayability: 5/5 6 - The Murder of Crows - New Orleans, Louisiana, USA The (ahem) hits keep coming. I sometimes forget just how many great levels Blood Money contains. This is the first Hitman level to feature a colossal amount of NPCs and IO Interactive really uses them to their full advantage. Pushing through a raucous crowd while wearing a bird costume - perfection. Replayability: ⅘ 7 - You Better Watch Out… - Rocky Mountains, USA Perhaps it’s due to the quadruple whammy preceding it, but this level doesn’t totally work for me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, but not quite Blood Money good. Replayability: ⅖ 8 - Death on the Mississippi - Emily, Mississippi, USA This is a damn good mission, and I love how many targets there are. Replayability: ⅗ 9 - Till Death Do Us Part - Mississippi, USA I’m truly torn over whether to give this a 4 or a 5. It’s wonderful, but maybe not quiiiite top tier. Maybe. I dunno - it’s amazing. This is really a 4.5 Replayability: ⅘ 10 - A House of Cards - Shamal Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, USA They really nail the feel of Vegas here, but something about this mission has never totally drawn me in. Replayability: ⅖ 11 - A Dance with the Devil - The Shark Club, Las Vegas, USA The concept for this level alone is mindblowing, but the (ahem) execution is just as flawless. This game is so good it makes me cry. Replayability: 5/5 12 - Amendment XXV - White House, Washington, USA Blood Money takes place mostly in America, so where better to have the final full level than the White House? It doesn’t quite reach the dizzying highs of some of Blood Money’s missions, but this is a supremely satisfying almost-finale. Replayability: ⅘ 13 - Requiem - Unknown, USA Ok, remember when I said I don’t really care about Hitman’s story? Or when I said I don’t like shooting galleries? Somehow all of that melts away in Requiem, and I’m left absolutely floored by this ending. As a mission it’s quick, but as a conclusion to the best Hitman game - flawless. Replayability: 5/5 Hitman: Blood Money Average Replayability: ⅘ Hitman: Vegas Well I thought I played all the Hitman games. There’s a great video review of this here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbgKsgKZS8s and it does kind of make me want to give it a shot. Hitman: Sniper Challenge The first of three sniper games, Sniper Challenge is fun. I’m not going to include it in my rankings because it’s so different in concept, but it’s definitely worth checking out. Hitman: Absolution Ok, let’s talk about Hitman: Absolution. It’s...a really good game, and if it wasn’t called Hitman I don’t think many people would complain. Compared to Blood Money, Absolution is indeed a bit of a misstep for the series. There’s less freedom or need to experiment, and those are two of Hitman’s greatest strengths. Here’s the thing though - I will never hold it against an artist for trying something new. That’s what art is all about. Did the changes totally work? No. So they course-corrected, and four years later gave us exactly what we asked for. This game also looks and sounds great. Textures, lighting effects, and NPC dialogue are polished until they gleam. The gameplay is by far the smoothest the series had ever seen, and they even came up with a solid story, told through well produced cut scenes. I’m just gonna say it - I’m a fan of Absolution. Please don’t hate me. 1 - A Personal Contract - Outskirts of Chicago, USA The target’s Diana?! Right off the bat Absolution takes a hard left turn, and I’d put this training mission up right up there with Death of a Showman. It does a fantastic job of explaining how the game works (including the much-maligned but actually really fun point shooting feature), and looks absolutely stunning. Replayability: ⅗ 2 - The King of Chinatown - Chinatown, Chicago, USA I think even Absolution haters would have to admit this level is awesome. There are endless way to kill the King, and having them all be in such a contained space is really impressive. Replayability: ⅘ 3 - Terminus - Terminus Hotel, Chicago, USA This mission is...kind of dull. If all of Absolution were like this I’d definitely be in the “not a fan” camp. I’m giving it an extra point for the scary bear and the really cool way it ends. Replayability: ⅖ 4 - Run for Your Life - Chicago, USA Here is where this game very much announces how different it is from other Hitman games. This feels like a mission from a completely different series and I enjoy it a lot. Replayability: ⅗ 5 - Hunter and Hunted - The Vixen Club, Chicago, USA This mission is great! Going from the stripclub to Chinatown feels like something from 2016’s Hitman, and a quick glance at all the challenges available demonstrates just how much this level has to offer. Replayability: ⅘ 6 - Rosewood - Rosewood Orphanage, Chicago, USA This one’s OK. Starting with carrying Victoria is very tense and atmospheric, but once that part’s over the rest of the mission isn’t that memorable. Replayability: ⅖ 7 - Welcome to Hope - Hope, South Dakota, USA This mission is mostly cutscenes AND features bikers. No thank-you. Replayability: ⅕ 8 - Birdie’s Gift - Hope, South Dakota, USA Even though the mission is very easy to complete, I love this location. They totally nailed the look and feel of this particular kind of place and sneaking through a shooting range is terrifying in all the best ways. This is also a fun location for target practice. Replayability: ⅗ 9 - Shaving Lenny - Hope, South Dakota, USA Having the Hope Cougars be a 1950’s style greaser gang makes me so very happy. Another gorgeous location, with plenty of targets and lots of ways to get the job done. Replayability: ⅗ 10 - End of the Road - Desert, USA This level is a work of genius. It’s a brilliant subversion of everything we expect from a Hitman game, and once you start experimenting there are practically endless ways to complete a level that can technically be beaten in three seconds. Replayability: 5/5 11 - Dexter Industries - Hope, South Dakota, USA This mission has a great opening cutscene, but for the most part it’s pretty bland. Replayability: ⅕ 12 - Death Factory - Hope, South Dakota, USA There’s sooo many ways to complete this mission, but for whatever reason the layout of the level just doesn’t appeal to me so I rarely come back to it. Replayability: ⅖ 13 - Fight Night - Dexter Industries, Hope, USA Dressing up as a luchador and killing Sanchez in the ring is really fun, but there’s not a ton else to do here. Replayability: ⅖ 14 - Attack of the Saints - Waikiki Inn, Hope, USA This is another great location, but let’s face it, there’s only one correct way to do this, and it’s dressed as a scarecrow. But I will happily dress as a scarecrow over and over again. Replayability: ⅗ 15 - Skurky’s Law - Hope, South Dakota, USA Another very solid level, with some fun disguises, and a cameo from Kane! Replayability: ⅗ 16 - Operation Sledgehammer - Hope, South Dakota, USA Operation Sledgehammer is OK, but the best part by far is just walking towards the church at the end; it’s epic. Replayability: ⅖ 17 - One of a Kind - Chicago, USA There’s not much to do here, save for some cool Hitman easter eggs. Replayability: ⅕ 18 - Blackwater Park - Blackwater Park, Chicago, USA The game is definitely dragging at this point and the part with Layla trying to seduce 47 only to have him murder her is really mean-spirited. Replayability: ⅕ 19 - Countdown - Chicago, USA The fog is awesome, the countdown adds a great level of tension, and pushing people off the roof is a blast. Replayability: ⅘ 20 - Absolution - Cornwall, England This mission feels pretty tacked on, especially after Countdown, but 47 saying “You’ll never know” makes the whole thing worth it. Replayability: ⅖ Hitman: Absolution Average Replayability: ⅗ Hitman Go Hitman chilled out for a bit and released a couple more mobile games. I’m not going to include either in my level rankings because they aren’t typical Hitman levels at all, but Hitman Go is a must-play for any Hitman fan. It’s equal parts delightful and challenging, and every level is a minimalist work of art. Hitman: Sniper Hitman: Sniper is also worth checking out. It’s bogged down by the usual mobile game unlockable nonsense, but there’s still plenty of fun to be had here, and it’s ridiculously cheap if you don’t fall for any of the microtransactions. Hitman I’m a little bit torn on Hitman. Let’s start with the good: Sapienza and Hokkaido are fantastic locations that I can literally play endlessly. IO has fully embraced the sandbox nature of these games and when it all works it’s as good as Hitman has ever been. But...I really miss the personality of Contracts, Blood Money, and Absolution. It’s easier to create atmosphere when levels are smaller and more contained - that’s why a lot of open world games aren’t very distinctive. The massive levels in Hitman just haven’t stuck with me the way some of the best missions in other Hitman have. That said, all I need to do is load up Sapienza, Hokkaido, or Paris and I’m pretty much guaranteed a great time. This game is a little tough to break into missions since there so many are twists on the six main locations so I’m only going to focus on the story ones. I debated doing a write up for Patient Zero but considering it’s also in existing locations I’ll just say that it’s totally worth playing at least once, especially the final level, which is bananas. And I also want to give IO a shout out for their commitment to players. They were releasing content for Hitman pretty much up until the release of Hitman 2, and they really, really seem to care about everyone who plays this game having something new to do whenever they boot it up. 1 - Freeform Training - ICA Training Facility, Greenland I love the idea of having training be in a simulated ICA environment - it’s a great tongue in cheek nod to the artifice of games themselves, especially training levels. Knowing that everyone in the level is just acting gives every playthrough an added level of enjoyment and the general shittiness of the fake boat is perfect. Replayability: ⅘ 2 - The Final Test - ICA Training Facility, Greenland I could have stood to have only one simulated environment - two seems like overkill. Replayability: ⅖ 3 - The Showstopper - Palais de Walewska, Paris, France This level really feels like IO announcing that they listened to fans’ reaction to Absolution. It has more ways to complete it than any previous Hitman level and really rewards multiple playthroughs. The targets aren’t all that memorable, but this is a welcome return to Agent 47’s roots. Replayability: ⅘ 4 - World of Tomorrow - Sapienza, Italy Sapienza takes everything that makes The Showstopper work and cranks it up to 11. The location is maybe the prettiest in any Hitman game, the layout is perfect, and it’s a blast to walk around in 47’s casual clothes and just hang out in this perfect little Italian town. Replayability: 5/5 5 - A Gilded Cage - Marrakesh, Morocco This one’s a bit of a bummer. It’s competent but just isn’t all that fun. Replayability: ⅖ 6 - Club 27 - Bangkok, Thailand Definitely an improvement over Marrakesh, but not as good as Paris or Sapienza. Replayability: ⅗ 7 - Freedom Fighters - Colorado, USA Oh man - I really dislike this mission. It’s bland and easy and just feels like something from a much worse stealth game. Replayability: ⅕ 8 - Situs Inversus - Hokkaido, Japan Luckily, Hitman totally sticks the landing. Situs Inversus is even better than Flatline. It’s equal parts tranquille and creepily sterile, plus 47 gets to dress up as a ninja and run across rooftops with a samurai sword. It’s a perfect ending. Replayability: 5/5 Hitman Average Replayability: ⅗ Hitman 2 Hitman 2 is to Hitman what Contracts was to Silent Assassin; It’s so similar that you can even play all of Hitman 1 within it, utilizing all of the updated gameplay features. But, like Contracts, Hitman 2 takes everything that worked in Hitman and doubles down on it, creating a truly immersive experience. Each location has a distinct atmosphere and there’s a running theme of how unsustainable wealth and power is. This is the best Hitman game since Blood Money - it might be the best Hitman game ever made. IO, now an independent studio, includes another fun sniper mode called Sniper Assassin, and there’s even multiplayer for the first time. Ghost Mode basically pits you against Agent 47 from an alternate universe and you compete with another player to try and get the best score on a level - it’s fantastic. There’s also plenty of single-player DLC yet to be released. It saddens me that the game isn’t doing super well commercially, and I really, really hope there will someday be a Hitman 3. I’m on board for life, IO, and I know a lot of other people are too. 1 - Nightcall - Hawke’s Bay, New Zealand Nightcall features a nice location and there are quite a few ways to get the job done, but I definitely prefer the training level in Hitman. Replayability: ⅖ 2 - The Finish Line - Miami, USA Oh man - this is one for the ages. There’s so much to do, and it feels like four levels all in one. Every mission story is worth playing, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ll be playing this one for years to come. Replayability: 5/5 3 - Three-Headed Serpent - Santa Fortuna, Colombia The only Codename 47 location that had never been revisited was Colombia and Three-Headed Serpent makes the return trip worth the wait. It’s nothing like the Colombia missions in Codename 47, but it’s a great level. I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the things to do, and the three distinct elements - the military, the wealth, and the drugs - all play beautifully off one another. Replayability: ⅘ 4 - Chasing a Ghost - Mumbai, India This level really shows off how much better the voice acting is in Hitman 2 compared to Hitman. Mumbai feels truly alive, and the level’s tight, labyrinthian structure is so packed with authentic details I would often stop just to marvel at the sun blazing from behind a skyscraper or to appreciate the all the little elements that were combined to create the laundry foreman’s office building. Trying to find the Maelstrom isn’t quite as fun as I hoped it would be, however, and I think the mission could have done without him. Replayability: ⅘ 5 - Another Life - Whittleton Creek, Vermont, USA As a huge fan of A New Life, this feels like a level created just for me (though I’m sure there are many, many other New Life fans out there). The scale of this compared to the original absolutely blows me away, and like the original, discovering all the darkness hiding beneath the veneer of small-town Americana makes for a wonderful juxtaposition. Whether it’s a creepy basement full of poison and baking or a politician with some truly reprehensible ideas, it’s eminently clear that 47 isn’t the only boogeyman in town. Replayability: 5/5 6 - The Ark Society - Isle of Sgàil, North Atlantic Ocean All the themes of class structure and wealth disparity come to a head in a perfect final mission. This article by Cameron Kunzelman beautifully articulates what makes this level, and Hitman as a whole, so special: https://waypoint.vice.com/en_us/article/4397e3/hitman-2-makes-you-the-catastrophe-everyone-is-dreading I’ll end by saying that I encountered a bug during my first playthrough of this mission and was unable to load any of my saves, forcing me to restart. With most games this would be a chore, but with Hitman I eagerly dove back in, and immediately discovered a completely new way to take out a target. That’s why I love Hitman so much. Replayability: 5/5 Hitman 2 Average Replayability: 4/5
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